its not what you think

"no, it wont all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life is good."

****

my mother asked me recently if i'm happy in jackson. what a complicated question. here are my thoughts:

1. i adore jackson. i dont know why. there arent many things holding me here. i have plenty of reasons to go. and sometimes very few reasons to stay. but i like it here. i really do. i love that i work in a small school that still places high value on things like honesty and responsibility and respect. i like that i see people i know when i go places. i love that i dont have to go very far to get anywhere i want to go. i like that i dont have to go very far to be in the middle of a field or park. its a wonderful location, in relation to other things.

2. i lovelovelove nashville. but not really so much because of the town. its really all about the people there. most of my family is there. and my sweet youth group people. and some of my very best friends. and the open arms of my mother and father. how awesomely wonderful to be in that place, wrapped in the love of those who deeply care for me. i am wanted, needed, accepted, adored, sheltered, and encouraged there. and sometimes i am 15 again.

3. part of my heart is always going to be wandering around. i'm restless, always hoping for some adventure. i want to work in another country. i want to serve my Jesus wherever He calls me, even if that takes me far from here.

so i guess the point is, i'm happy here. but i go there and it fits too. and i think i could learn to be happy just about any place i ended up. but i guess its comforting just to know that whether i am here or there or any other place, none of those is my real home. my home is in Heaven.

****

the opposite of love isnt hate but rather indifference.

so if i'm really going to love people the way i'm supposed to love people- the way Jesus demands that i love people- then i have to get in there, stick my neck out, care deeply about them, and yes, ultimately, get hurt sometimes. but really, is there any other way to live and really be alive?

****

truth is a funny thing. have you ever realized that? sometimes it creeps up on you, trickling in so slowly you dont even realize its coming until youre almost drowning in it. and then sometimes it lands- crash- smack in front of you so fast youre swerving to miss it. and thats when you know its just like that "going on a bear hunt" game i've played with countless small children- cant go over it, cant go around it, gotta go through it. but the thing is, no matter how it happens, when the truth gets in, it leaves a mark. you cant change it and you cant escape it because it becomes a part of you.

and this is one of my greatest weaknesses: i spend far too much time trying to buck truth. because a part of me- that same part that still belives in santa claus and still loves catching lightening bugs in mason jars and still wants nothing more than to climb up in my daddy's lap and be told i can do anything- well, part of me really thinks i can change the truth and i am nothing if i am not a stubborn baby bull.

****

i want you to know that i care deeply. i am anything but indifferent about you and your life and the things going on.

sometimes that fact doesnt change anything. and sometimes it changes everything.

****

sometimes i cant believe the difference a year can make. i'm not in the same place i was a year ago. i mean, physically, yes, i am living in the same apartment with relatively the same furniture and stuff. but i'm not the girl i was when i moved down here. i dont even have the same hair color. but i guess that's life: this fluid, ever-changing force that pushes us on to other things. we cant stay exactly where we are and grow. we cant stay exactly who we are and expect that we are finished. i'm not there yet, you know. i'm not complete. i'm still becoming. and i like that. i like that this isnt it for me. i like that i have dreams that reach out beyond here, that call me higher and farther and more into the likeness of my Savior.

****

teaching is a beautiful, hard, stressful, satisfying, and sometimes gloriously painful calling. and i love it.

****

"you know there will be days when youre so tired that you cant take another step. night will have no stars and you'll think youve gone as far as you will ever get. but you and me walk on. cause you cant go back now. go where you want to go. be what you want to be. and if you ever turn around, you'll see me."

at the end of the day.

i have enough reasons to go. i'm looking for a reason to stay.

[and then i hear this:
consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. you know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. so dont try to get out of anything prematurely. let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.- james 1:2-4, the message]

i will write you a song

::or at least i will quote one for you::

...

i see your face in my mind as i drive away, cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. now i dont know what to be without you around. never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. every little bump in the road, i tried to swerve. people are people and sometimes it doesnt work out. and nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout. and we know its never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one here to save me. youre the only thing i know like the back of my hand. and i cant breathe without you, but i have to. i'm sorry.

[hear this! sometimes things happen to us instead of because of us.]

...

all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around. i've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down. and its taken me this long, baby, but i figured you out. and youre thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around. youre looking so innocent, i might believe you if i didnt know. i could have loved you all my life if you hadnt left me waiting in the cold. and youve got your share of secrets and i'm tired of being last to know. and now youre asking me to listen cause its worked each time before. but you dont have to call anymore, i wont pick up the phone. this is the last straw. i dont want to hurt anymore. and you can tell me that youre sorry, but i dont believe you, baby, like i did before. youre not sorry.

[also known as, dont waste the pretty.]

...

why do we hurtle ourselves through every inch of time and space? i must say around some corner i can sense a resting place. with every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face. get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down.

[in other words, take me with you.]

...

well, it feels like we're living from paycheck to check, and we wake up wondering what might happen next. sometimes it feels like we wont make it through, but the hard times pass like the good ones do. wrap your fingers and hold on tight. and i'll be right here beside you tonight. climb up here and watch the city glow. lets make a wish on the fireworks below. dont be afraid. we cant forget that these are the days.

[and by this i mean, keep that chin up.]

...

the new day dawns and i am practicing my purpose once again. it is fresh and it is fruitful if i win, but if i lose, i dont know. i'll be tired but i will turn and i will go, only guessing til i get there, then i'll know. all will be well, even after all the promises youve broken to yourself. all will be well. you can ask me how but only time will tell.

[also known as, have a little faith.]

...

and though i cant understand why this happened, i know i will when i look back someday, and see how You've brought beauty from ashes and made me as gold purified through these flames. here i am, at the end of me, trying to hold on to what i cant see. i forgot how to hope, this night's been so long. i cling to Your promise, there will be a dawn. after all this has passed, i still will remain. after i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.

[less of me, more of Him.]

...

::and there was silence::

[also, i am happy for grace and hugs and laughter and kisses and genuinelove and goodness and chacos and dvds and chocolate and a God who is bigger than all of this.]

too much silence

turns out grad school eats a lot of time. [and my face.]

havent been doing too awful much exciting stuff the last few weeks [or months]. my schedule is fairly consistent and fairly busy.

i'm loving my job. i get sososo much great experience and all the love a girl could ever ask for. that little boy gives the best hugs and pats and kisses. and then there are lots of other sweet boys and girls in the classroom to help out too. it always amazes me how those six year olds can tell when you are having a bad day. sometimes they dont even say anything, just walk up and give me a hug. i mean, logically i know that those moments are probably the ones when they need a hug [theyre little and little kids need lots of hugs and love] but it amazes me how those moments so often line up with mine.

plus, they tell me i look pretty and that they love me. what girl doesnt like hearing those words on a daily basis?

there is also plenty of laughter to go around. nobody told me kindergarten was so hilarious. of course, we do have a few particular goofballs in the room. but its nice to have so much laughter in my life.

and grad school is going well too. i heard these rumors before i started that grad school was easy. [or maybe that it was easier than undergrad?] but that has been far from the truth. i work on my projects and studying for my classes now probably more than i ever did for my undergrad stuff. but its more exciting. every single thing i do relates to teaching. i've applied so much of what i'm learning to my job. so its really super practical and fun. i dont mind working so much because i can see how it affects my job [and my future job] directly. thats nice. i really recommend grad school.

so. other things since october.
1. i spent halloween with benji and leslie and jamin. went to their church's fall festival and to church with them on sunday. it was supposed to be a secret trip, so that no one would know that i was in town and not seeing anyone from bellevue. but i spent sunday night at home and got totally caught. i was walking down to the willoughbys to return something. when i walked by the neighbors house, i heard a loud noise. and it was andrew. who about broke down the locked front door trying to get to me. and there were about 6 of the youth kids in the house. busted. but it was good to see them anyway.

2. thanksgiving was lovely. saw some old friends. ate good food. i love thanksgiving. i think thats why i refuse to listen to Christmas music or decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. i dont want thanksgiving to get overlooked. i love the parade and the food and the friends and the family.

3. Christmas was great! i celebrate about 4 of them. so i get a lot of Christmas in a few days. and its wonderful.

4. spent new years in an interesting way. went to nathan's house. got to hang out with susie and nathan and andrew and daniel and mrs. kimberly. we went out at midnight and banged on pots and pans, which is apparently a dennison family tradition. so that was special. and then i went to the willoughby's and played dominos until 3 am.

5. came back to jackson on new years day because the jessica was coming to town! carrie had her baby two days before Christmas and jes was coming to town to see little audrey. she stayed with me and much fun occurred. i miss her. we even went to lambuth [i know! crossing enemy lines] to visit their bookstore and buy t-shirts. good times.

6. j-term is happening. and i'm taking an online class. and creating a website. good grief.

7. leslie and jamin came to see me this weekend. they got here friday night. and we spent all day saturday together. we ate thai food. it was the first time i had ever had it. but it was really good. i will be eating it again. [its not better than new hong kong sesame chicken. but good.]

well. there you go.