"no, it wont all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life is good."
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my mother asked me recently if i'm happy in jackson. what a complicated question. here are my thoughts:
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my mother asked me recently if i'm happy in jackson. what a complicated question. here are my thoughts:
1. i adore jackson. i dont know why. there arent many things holding me here. i have plenty of reasons to go. and sometimes very few reasons to stay. but i like it here. i really do. i love that i work in a small school that still places high value on things like honesty and responsibility and respect. i like that i see people i know when i go places. i love that i dont have to go very far to get anywhere i want to go. i like that i dont have to go very far to be in the middle of a field or park. its a wonderful location, in relation to other things.
2. i lovelovelove nashville. but not really so much because of the town. its really all about the people there. most of my family is there. and my sweet youth group people. and some of my very best friends. and the open arms of my mother and father. how awesomely wonderful to be in that place, wrapped in the love of those who deeply care for me. i am wanted, needed, accepted, adored, sheltered, and encouraged there. and sometimes i am 15 again.
3. part of my heart is always going to be wandering around. i'm restless, always hoping for some adventure. i want to work in another country. i want to serve my Jesus wherever He calls me, even if that takes me far from here.
so i guess the point is, i'm happy here. but i go there and it fits too. and i think i could learn to be happy just about any place i ended up. but i guess its comforting just to know that whether i am here or there or any other place, none of those is my real home. my home is in Heaven.
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the opposite of love isnt hate but rather indifference.
so if i'm really going to love people the way i'm supposed to love people- the way Jesus demands that i love people- then i have to get in there, stick my neck out, care deeply about them, and yes, ultimately, get hurt sometimes. but really, is there any other way to live and really be alive?
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truth is a funny thing. have you ever realized that? sometimes it creeps up on you, trickling in so slowly you dont even realize its coming until youre almost drowning in it. and then sometimes it lands- crash- smack in front of you so fast youre swerving to miss it. and thats when you know its just like that "going on a bear hunt" game i've played with countless small children- cant go over it, cant go around it, gotta go through it. but the thing is, no matter how it happens, when the truth gets in, it leaves a mark. you cant change it and you cant escape it because it becomes a part of you.
and this is one of my greatest weaknesses: i spend far too much time trying to buck truth. because a part of me- that same part that still belives in santa claus and still loves catching lightening bugs in mason jars and still wants nothing more than to climb up in my daddy's lap and be told i can do anything- well, part of me really thinks i can change the truth and i am nothing if i am not a stubborn baby bull.
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i want you to know that i care deeply. i am anything but indifferent about you and your life and the things going on.
sometimes that fact doesnt change anything. and sometimes it changes everything.
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sometimes i cant believe the difference a year can make. i'm not in the same place i was a year ago. i mean, physically, yes, i am living in the same apartment with relatively the same furniture and stuff. but i'm not the girl i was when i moved down here. i dont even have the same hair color. but i guess that's life: this fluid, ever-changing force that pushes us on to other things. we cant stay exactly where we are and grow. we cant stay exactly who we are and expect that we are finished. i'm not there yet, you know. i'm not complete. i'm still becoming. and i like that. i like that this isnt it for me. i like that i have dreams that reach out beyond here, that call me higher and farther and more into the likeness of my Savior.
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teaching is a beautiful, hard, stressful, satisfying, and sometimes gloriously painful calling. and i love it.
****
"you know there will be days when youre so tired that you cant take another step. night will have no stars and you'll think youve gone as far as you will ever get. but you and me walk on. cause you cant go back now. go where you want to go. be what you want to be. and if you ever turn around, you'll see me."
****
the opposite of love isnt hate but rather indifference.
so if i'm really going to love people the way i'm supposed to love people- the way Jesus demands that i love people- then i have to get in there, stick my neck out, care deeply about them, and yes, ultimately, get hurt sometimes. but really, is there any other way to live and really be alive?
****
truth is a funny thing. have you ever realized that? sometimes it creeps up on you, trickling in so slowly you dont even realize its coming until youre almost drowning in it. and then sometimes it lands- crash- smack in front of you so fast youre swerving to miss it. and thats when you know its just like that "going on a bear hunt" game i've played with countless small children- cant go over it, cant go around it, gotta go through it. but the thing is, no matter how it happens, when the truth gets in, it leaves a mark. you cant change it and you cant escape it because it becomes a part of you.
and this is one of my greatest weaknesses: i spend far too much time trying to buck truth. because a part of me- that same part that still belives in santa claus and still loves catching lightening bugs in mason jars and still wants nothing more than to climb up in my daddy's lap and be told i can do anything- well, part of me really thinks i can change the truth and i am nothing if i am not a stubborn baby bull.
****
i want you to know that i care deeply. i am anything but indifferent about you and your life and the things going on.
sometimes that fact doesnt change anything. and sometimes it changes everything.
****
sometimes i cant believe the difference a year can make. i'm not in the same place i was a year ago. i mean, physically, yes, i am living in the same apartment with relatively the same furniture and stuff. but i'm not the girl i was when i moved down here. i dont even have the same hair color. but i guess that's life: this fluid, ever-changing force that pushes us on to other things. we cant stay exactly where we are and grow. we cant stay exactly who we are and expect that we are finished. i'm not there yet, you know. i'm not complete. i'm still becoming. and i like that. i like that this isnt it for me. i like that i have dreams that reach out beyond here, that call me higher and farther and more into the likeness of my Savior.
****
teaching is a beautiful, hard, stressful, satisfying, and sometimes gloriously painful calling. and i love it.
****
"you know there will be days when youre so tired that you cant take another step. night will have no stars and you'll think youve gone as far as you will ever get. but you and me walk on. cause you cant go back now. go where you want to go. be what you want to be. and if you ever turn around, you'll see me."
